Awkward is my specialty. I promise I'm not rude, I'm just very awkward

Gotta Get A Hold Of Myself

Oh my god, I think I am in love again. But I don't want to. 'Coz each time when I do, I'll turn into this unattractive emotional bitch. I know that I'll lose myself.

Gotta get a hold of myself but it is not easy. Every single day for the past 2 months, I wake up and tell myself,

Don't look at him.
Don't greet him.
Don't talk to him.
Don't smile at him.
Don't joke with him.
Don't laugh at his jokes.
Em, just don't do anything to him or with him.

It's all gone when I first catch his glimpse at work. Just the thought that he's there can already makes me smile and happy for no reason.

I smile when he greets to me.
I smile when I hear his voice.
I smile when he walks towards me.
I smile when I watch him walking away.

It's pretty confusing. I think he's trolling with my feelings. For a moment, I think he's into me. And then, he's not looking at me. He flirted, and withdrew, and then he flirts again.

At times, I wanted to get it off my chest. I wanted to yell at him, 'Dear Psy B, I like you okay...Stop flirting with me and stop fucking with my mind!' I wish I can do that. For fuck sake I will do that if we get a chance to talk in private.

Why am I feeling this? It's all his fault. I read signs but he's not acting on them. It's so confusing. Did I misread them? Does he likes me or not? I think he's a coward. Or maybe he's just not that into me. I hope I can get him out of my mind, soon.

Love has to be on hold. I need to work towards my dreams. But how much time do I still have to still be able to attract someone deserving?


  1. "But how much time do I still have to still be able to attract someone deserving?"

    I feel this too, often, but when I think hard on it I have a feeling it's not really the right question. If that helps.

    1. I wanted to reply you but I don't know how or what to reply. I don't know what am I feeling right now. I just found out that he's 6 years younger than me and that all these while I am befriending his sister closely. Man, this is so wrong. I guess I'll just go back to my imaginary boyfriend. Haha.