www.emilyyee.com

Do you think that it’s ok for me to convert into Christian? I want to find peace

Do you think that it’s ok to divorce your father? Will you resent me for doing it?

Nowadays, Mum keep on throwing big questions like this to me. Thanks to mobile phone, she doesn’t even need to come over to see me to discuss about this. An SMS will do enough to convey her messages to me. Well, I do not know how my other siblings will answer. Yet, I always avoid giving any clear answer as I want her to make the decision herself and has no regret about it.

Well maybe that’s what I thought. I wonder if she’ll misunderstood all my answers as she’s pretty good in getting misunderstood.

As an adult, I realized that she is my mother and as an adult, I do understand a human’s right to do what they wish for as long as it is not wrong. But how do we judge the right from wrong? I wonder if I am doing it right. I would like to give as much freedom as possible to her. After all, she never talks about her feelings with us all these while.

We don’t really know how much Dad means to her and how much she means to Dad. Dad seems no longer cares if she wants a divorce. It’s been nearly half a year since I last saw him. We don’t really know how much Mum understand about being a Christian follower. We don’t know was she that unhappy to be a Buddhist. Is she going to feel better after converting?

It’s been months since our family got involved in the war. It makes our parents unhappy with each other. It makes us emotionally drained for quite a long time. Home is never a home for us anymore. I don’t go back anymore regardless of how much my Mum needed me. My Bro left home to work far away. My Sis left home for her studies.

I am not a little kid anymore nor do my siblings. As a kid, I always hope for my parents to be separated because they were having a weird long distance relationship for me. Dad works far away from home and will only come back once a month. Worse, when he was back, they ended up quarrelling more than loving. I wonder what kind of marriage they tend to keep? What’s their purpose of keeping the marriage? I wonder if when they are older and no longer working, they will need to stay at home and facing each other every single day. Could that be worse?

Mum constantly complains about Dad during all these years. She complains about how bad his family treated her. She is a very straightforward woman. If she’s not happy with you, then she’ll show it right to your face. Worse, still when she starts nagging, it could goes on for days or weeks over a subject ‘til she finds a new one. Sometimes she really did go overboard by adding so many lies to make her stories more believable. If I must say, Mum could be the best liar in the world.

While Dad really has a pleasant personality, he talks softly with you. I wonder why he can’t be that way with Mum. My Sis and I agreed on a matter that we hate to talk to our Dad. Not because that he will get angry and scold you in front of everyone like Mum will. He’ll do none of that. Instead, he’ll try to talk his soft way to get his point accepted by us without failing. If he had the chance to get a better education when he was younger, he must be a real good psychologist by now.

Who will you trust? A person with lots a lies yet a very honest emotion or a person without any lie yet a very fake emotion.

I browsed through my family history, my grandparents from both sides stopped sharing room when they were older. Now that my parents’ marriage doesn’t seem to work out any better, I wonder how’s mine would be. Would my parents be happier if they were richer? Are they regretting of getting married before making a pleasant living? Should I get a richer boyfriend so that I won’t have to go through the same things?

It scares me a lot that I asked a few breaks from my boyfriend over these few months. I know he gets frustrated as well, but he is still by my side. I am not getting any younger. Most of my high school friends got married. I got 3 wedding invitations for the coming March alone. Is that this easy? Getting married and live happily ever after? I told myself, isn’t it too early? Or maybe I am the only one that is not ready for that? I’d be 25 this May. Am I off-track? Already?