Awkward is my specialty. I promise I'm not rude, I'm just very awkward

Simply Happy

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I guess it's been a long time since I last feeling happiness, that it is noticeable to others that I am being happy. Posted these pictures on my Facebook and a close friend of mine, Bitchy Khai Mun messaged me instantly. 

Khai Mun: Emily, nice photos.
Me: Yeah, just took them during my company X'mas party.
Khai Mun: You look happy.

The next day, I received another message from an ex-colleague, Eddy.

Eddy: Smiley
Me: Big Smiley
Eddy: Waaa...Banyak epi ar... (Wow, so much happiness...)

Comparing this year X'Mas and my last year X'Mas, I am happier. No reason, I am just simply happy.

It is still the same me. Still poor, still single, still lost, but a lot happier. I am afraid of getting comfortable but deep down, at this time, I think I deserve this happiness for reaching out. 


Gotta Get A Hold Of Myself

Oh my god, I think I am in love again. But I don't want to. 'Coz each time when I do, I'll turn into this unattractive emotional bitch. I know that I'll lose myself.

Gotta get a hold of myself but it is not easy. Every single day for the past 2 months, I wake up and tell myself,

Don't look at him.
Don't greet him.
Don't talk to him.
Don't smile at him.
Don't joke with him.
Don't laugh at his jokes.
Em, just don't do anything to him or with him.

It's all gone when I first catch his glimpse at work. Just the thought that he's there can already makes me smile and happy for no reason.

I smile when he greets to me.
I smile when I hear his voice.
I smile when he walks towards me.
I smile when I watch him walking away.

It's pretty confusing. I think he's trolling with my feelings. For a moment, I think he's into me. And then, he's not looking at me. He flirted, and withdrew, and then he flirts again.

At times, I wanted to get it off my chest. I wanted to yell at him, 'Dear Psy B, I like you okay...Stop flirting with me and stop fucking with my mind!' I wish I can do that. For fuck sake I will do that if we get a chance to talk in private.

Why am I feeling this? It's all his fault. I read signs but he's not acting on them. It's so confusing. Did I misread them? Does he likes me or not? I think he's a coward. Or maybe he's just not that into me. I hope I can get him out of my mind, soon.

Love has to be on hold. I need to work towards my dreams. But how much time do I still have to still be able to attract someone deserving?


The Letter

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It's been a year since I last wrote The Letter that had changed everything. Hence, opened a new chapter in my life.

Things didn't turn out great as I wanted it to be but surprisingly I have no regrets. Everyone else thought that I chose the wrong time for that change. They were totally right about that. I was the idiot who quit my job before I land another one. I was that idiot that quit my job without any savings to even feed myself.

I knew that I was being selfish. I made everyone worried. I got everyone into trouble. But I also knew that if I were never to make that call, I would still be that unhappy person as I always was for the past 8 years.

I was emotionally unstable. I thought that I was supposed to finally be in somebody's arms. Feeling safe. And cozy. But it didn't happen. I was angry. Disappointed. Emotional. The letter was supposed to punish myself. For being not good enough. I tried to make myself miserable. I didn't know why. Nobody cares. Nobody even realized that I was in trouble. That I needed help. Hello, World! Do I really need to yell, 'Help!'?


I wrote the letter to seek for attention. I submitted the letter out of rage. What people don't know was that I wrote that letter because I wanted to change. That I actually needed that change. Then I realized that there's no turning back.

And there I was. Jobless. Loveless. Moneyless. Dreamless. Clueless. And I was just... lost.